Fixing one's self

When I was a kid I suffered a horrible thing for quite a while. I was a victim, but I survived and here I am as a grown woman. No longer a victim but a survivor. That does not mean I am over it. It means that I have to get on with my life. Although what happened to me was something I've never repressed or forgotten, it's something I've never talked about or acknowledged out loud until recently.

Basically I lived most of my life pretending to be somebody else. And the pain of pretending just grew to be unbearable. By holding it all in my body started to suffer. My relationships suffered. The stress, anger, sadness and regret of it all started to make me feel physically unwell. When I realized that the people I love the most did not know ME for who I really was, I also realized that I needed to tell them. I needed them to know me, whether they wanted to not. I knew in my heart that being honest and real was the way my relationships would thrive, and not just survive. And it is the same with me... I want to THRIVE not just survive.

So I told each one of my siblings and my parents. (My husband knows and is my rock, no doubt about it).

After telling them I felt a sense of lightness and freedom that I had never, ever felt in all my life. For the most part, they've been supportive. But I still don't really know how to be myself around them. And I don't think they know how to relate to me anymore. I still feel the need to be something I'm not in order to stay in contact with them, and that stresses me out and makes me pull back from them. So I guess that puts me back into survival mode and not thriving mode. That's not good.

As time goes by I realize the pain, anger, sadness, stress, regret, etc., is all still inside me. This is where I acknowledge I need some outside help in order to thrive. I do what I can on my own to make me feel better. I run (that's a huge help), I spend time with my husband and children, I see friends whenever I can, I pray, I read the Bible. But I need more help.

So how am I going to get it? First I have to acknowledge some things. Foremost, what happened to me was in NO part my fault. None of it! Secondly, I don't have to have had a life like everyone else and yet I am still a good human being. I can also triumphantly say that the trauma stopped and ended with me.

How I wish the person who did this to me had made it stop and end with them. I am working on forgiveness, though. I don't have to be around this person, I don't have to associate with this person, but in my heart I feel I have to forgive this person in order to move on.

I'm getting some professional help, too. I guess I'm sharing this because I have HOPE, which is such a good thing. If there's one thing that anyone gets out of reading this, I hope it's that you will always have hope.